Am I really a quitter?

Last year, I went on my first professional roller coaster. I’m not speaking of the rides that populate amusement parks, but rather of my first experience in a negative work situation.

The situation was similar to many. Poorly structured organization, a rashly constructed job description, a demanding boss and lack of official support. That’s the censored version. As these factors and others mounted, I made a choice to leave. Yes. I quit. Against everything that I had been taught to be righteous and true, I gave up on a situation in order to preserve myself.

Though I have beaten myself up about quitting, I learned quickly that preserving yourself is essential. Seeing something through isn’t always worth it.

Drama aside, the job asked me to compromise parts of myself that I had never intended to. And though most compromise is necessary to learn and grow, I did not value the benefits of this compromise.

Not that I didn’t make mistakes. I was inexperienced and didn’t play the professional game well. But, then again, I was chosen for the position partly because of this inexperience. Most of the time, however, my mistakes were the result of my confidence being attacked or a lack of proper communication from the powers that be.

When I considered leaving, the words of one of my friends resonated, “Professional mistakes should have professional consequences. The minute they begin to affect your personal life, they have gone too far.”

A statement that is beyond comprehension for someone who feels that her work is an integral part of her being. I felt that my job was a reflection of my passions and abilities, and I was willing to dedicate my entire self to it-- whatever it was. My job was supposed to give me a sense of purpose and opportunities to learn and create.

Instead, my first professional roller coaster ride taught me more. I learned that a job is not worth my confidence. I learned that interpersonal relationships-- personal and professional-- should be nurtured and valued. And I learned that professional relationships can be just as toxic as personal ones.

Sometimes you have to leave.

Racketeer of Love

Okay, so I went to a retreat for my job today and much of it was pretty routine..."I" statements, ownership over your own feelings and the like. But the last topic of the day hit me like a ton of bricks!...Rackets- defined by the facilitator,  Herma as a response to a threat, a Racket is the propensity toward filtering our behaviors and attitude toward a situation or person because of a perceived slight. It manifests itself in a number of unproductive ways that stagnate progress.

On the train ride home, it dawned on me that I've been running a racket on every man that I meet and perhaps even myself. I am overwhelmingly apprehensive about relationships and recently took myself off of an 8-month hiatus from dating but i'm gun shy about getting back on the horse:

The Racket
Threat: opening up
Cause: I have expressed the need for stability in relationships with a host of different men and came up   empty in each case (all names have been disguised to protect the innocent and guilty as you may see it ;-)!*)

Xavier* a friend for several years during college expressed a strong attraction to me and we began seeing each other casually and did so intermittently for about a year...I got to a point where I wanted more, he let me know in no uncertain terms that such a thing would NEVER happen! As a result, I don't put myself out there.

Daniel* the only man I ever loved- promised if I gave him my heart he would never hurt me...that went out the window at the sight of the first woman to stick her tongue in his ear and hand down his pants...I shut down

Kilpatrick*  said he wanted to get serious but didn't know that meant actually actively engaging in conversation and interaction...I got tired and gave up!

Result: When guys ask me out I automatically lie and say i'm taken or I live a happy fulfilled single existence or I'm off men....I get cussed out by frustrated men that have asked me out by every single angle and I go home lonely.

WTH is a happy fulfilled single life after basically 2yrs of intense career focus and businesses that are starting to succeed? I'll tell you its bullshit...its long hours being held by worries about work and waking up at 3am to check your damn email because there is no one there to remind you that you are more than work.

This Racket i've been running has me in a mess....met a dude that I honestly wanted to pursue and I've been telling myself I can't because I'm happy dating my work but work doesn't give massages, kiss you and tell you everything is going to be okay...