Racketeer of Love

Okay, so I went to a retreat for my job today and much of it was pretty routine..."I" statements, ownership over your own feelings and the like. But the last topic of the day hit me like a ton of bricks!...Rackets- defined by the facilitator,  Herma as a response to a threat, a Racket is the propensity toward filtering our behaviors and attitude toward a situation or person because of a perceived slight. It manifests itself in a number of unproductive ways that stagnate progress.

On the train ride home, it dawned on me that I've been running a racket on every man that I meet and perhaps even myself. I am overwhelmingly apprehensive about relationships and recently took myself off of an 8-month hiatus from dating but i'm gun shy about getting back on the horse:

The Racket
Threat: opening up
Cause: I have expressed the need for stability in relationships with a host of different men and came up   empty in each case (all names have been disguised to protect the innocent and guilty as you may see it ;-)!*)

Xavier* a friend for several years during college expressed a strong attraction to me and we began seeing each other casually and did so intermittently for about a year...I got to a point where I wanted more, he let me know in no uncertain terms that such a thing would NEVER happen! As a result, I don't put myself out there.

Daniel* the only man I ever loved- promised if I gave him my heart he would never hurt me...that went out the window at the sight of the first woman to stick her tongue in his ear and hand down his pants...I shut down

Kilpatrick*  said he wanted to get serious but didn't know that meant actually actively engaging in conversation and interaction...I got tired and gave up!

Result: When guys ask me out I automatically lie and say i'm taken or I live a happy fulfilled single existence or I'm off men....I get cussed out by frustrated men that have asked me out by every single angle and I go home lonely.

WTH is a happy fulfilled single life after basically 2yrs of intense career focus and businesses that are starting to succeed? I'll tell you its bullshit...its long hours being held by worries about work and waking up at 3am to check your damn email because there is no one there to remind you that you are more than work.

This Racket i've been running has me in a mess....met a dude that I honestly wanted to pursue and I've been telling myself I can't because I'm happy dating my work but work doesn't give massages, kiss you and tell you everything is going to be okay...

Avalanche

So its been particularly snowy in my part of the world lately, New York, D.C. and the vast majority of the North East of the United States has been hit really hard with a series of mini to monstrous blizzards but no this post is not about the weather....

It is however, about how my love life has seemingly imitated the weather...."its snowing men!" I recently decided to ease myself off of an approximately 8 month hiatus from dating. I swear the day after I made that resolution I began to be inundated by exes- they are like cockroaches they don't die! And much like Diane Carroll as Whitley's mother  on "A Different World" in the wedding episode when Dwayne Wayne interrupted her daughters impending marriage to Byron What's His Name I want to exclaim "DIE! JUST DIE! But they won't- its like they had a friggin' convention and decided that it was just time for them all to "Check on Me." Every dude  too- the  5 second boo,5 minute boo, 5 day boo, 5 week boo, 5 month boo, and 5 year vexation to the spirit!

"OOOOOOOh I haven't heard from you in a minute I'm just checking in!" My first thought - What the hell for? I ain't been checking in or up on you...'cause I can't allow your triflin ass to block my blessings anymore! But have I said that NO. and I see them moving me further and further away from my Byron What's His Name....What is a girl to do?!

  

Is Love Enough?

Some days I check my bank account and wonder if living my life for passion- running a host of businesses that I really believe in on a less than smedium budget- not being able to save a dime or barely earn one all for the love of art and community....I wonder if its worth it?!

One of my friends is trading in her 60K a year to be a NYC public school teacher, another aimlessly searching for her passion on the weekends, whilst others complain daily about their smart, practical jobs. Meanwhile, I've got paycheck envy...haven't bought a new pair of pants since college, a ton of bad debt in my wake, and my money is split between transportation costs and inventory.

Now I'm no money whore, but is too much to ask to be comfortable? A place of my own, the ability to go out with friends on a whim, not worrying which bill I should skip paying so that I can order more shirts, or have money for lunch... btw lunch never happens for me.Working 24/7, 365 days a year - 366 on a leap year;  the life of an entrepreneur- broke & passionate. But passion hardly pays any of my bills...

People are always telling me that one day all my hard work will pay off but honestly some days I can't help but wonder how much easier life might me if I took  up accounting...